When The Answer Is “Wait”

“Some days I actually feel okay.” My friend’s voice perked up on the other end of the line. “I feel like I’m going to get over him soon, and I’m happy, and it’s not so bad…” Her voice trailed off a bit. “And the next day, it just feels so hopeless, and I wonder, ‘What if this doesn’t get better for a long time?’”

I reassured her that her up-and-down thoughts were completely normal. In fact, she was expressing my current reality pretty darn perfectly. Except, instead of a breakup, I’ve been rocked by loss of a different kind: job, home, familiarity.

Life transitions have a way of shaking up your equilibrium like that, don’t they? They can make you feel like someone has suddenly cut the rope that tied your anchor down, and now you’re on a boat that you don’t know how to operate. The seas are having their way with you, and you feel like you’re at the mercy of whatever that day – that minute – has in store. Continue reading

Looking for the Light & Learning to Trust Again

Tonight I watched the sunset from my bed. Curled up with my blue blanket and a mug of cinnamon tea, I was struck by how fast the colors changed and how quickly the dark clouds moved as they swept past the hills.

It’s been remarkably stormy here in California. And while we need the rain after years of drought, it’s been devastating for some. Day after day, the rain has pounded on the roof of the little yellow house I call home in San Francisco…home for two more weeks before James and I tie the knot and move to Los Angeles.

The rain certainly hasn’t made this transition easy. As we’ve made Target runs for bubble wrap and packing tape and dashes to the car with boxes of Goodwill donations in tow, we’ve gotten more than just a little bit sprinkled on.

But the annoyance of having to manage moving logistics in the midst of one of the biggest storms we’ve seen in years is only part of my issue with this rain. The worst part is the darkness.


Continue reading

Ready or Not: Embracing the Changing Seasons

For the past couple weeks, I’ve stepped out of my apartment onto the streets of the Inner Sunset, and it looks like fall.

Even in the midst of our heat wave – in San Francisco, where no one has A/C, 85 degrees feels sweltering – it was still clear that summer was gone and fall was coming.

It’s something about the light. The sun casts longer shadows across the ground, and the sunsets are tinged with a distinctly pink and gold hue, causing the clouds to look like great big puffs of cotton candy. One last hurrah for the season that’s behind us.

At the farmer’s market, stone fruits are slowly being replaced by apples and figs and pomegranates, and the berries have lost their peak-of-summer sweetness.

PSL’s are popping up at every coffee shop, and Trader Joe’s is well-stocked with all things pumpkin.

Fall is normally my favorite season. And yet, this year, I didn’t feel ready. I wasn’t rushing to my closet for sweaters and boots. Partly because we wear them year-round in the city, but also because I didn’t want the seasons to change. Not yet. Continue reading

Getting Back to the Foundation

It was far too crowded on the train today. Between the hours of 5 and 6PM, Montgomery station is a mass of people, and today was exceptionally packed. As the N pulled up to the platform, I let the flow of the crowd carry me on to the train. I didn’t really have anywhere to be. I just wanted to get home. So, I thought skinny thoughts and squeezed myself between one very tall man and a shorter woman and her oversized bag.

I couldn’t reach one of the poles to hang onto, but there was no need. We were all so smashed together that no one was moving anyway. We just leaned against each other as the car continued on down the tunnel, jostling us and forcing us to get uncomfortably familiar with each others’ bodies.

An Invitation

When we finally came up for air and exited the tunnel, the dog park came into view. The same one I pass every day on my commute back and forth from downtown San Francisco. But this time, I heard an invitation. Continue reading

Forgive…But Don’t Forget?

Friends, I’m writing a book on what I’ve learned while recovering from perfectionism. Subscribe here for sneak peeks and insider updates I only share over email. No spam. Just love.

What’s the difference between holding a grudge and being cautious in your interactions with someone who’s hurt you? Can you forgive someone but still maintain distance from them in the future? Is it possible to actually wipe the slate clean?

Conversations with my gentleman friend often progress from simple updates about our days to deep, thoughtful questions such as these. It’s one of the things I appreciate most about our relationship – we don’t shy away from the hard topics, and we’re genuinely interested in learning from each other.

Let GoBut our conversation about forgiveness the other night left me scratching my head. As I ruminated on these questions throughout the next day, I found myself wondering if there were people in my life that I hadn’t truly forgiven. Had I honestly let go of the wrongs they’d done toward me? Or was I still clinging to those injustices out of a need to justify my cold shoulder toward them? Was it okay to avoid interaction with them, or was that unloving?

Questions like these require soul searching and truth seeking, so I turned to the only solid truths I know: the Word and words. That is to say, I turned to God, and I sought to better understand the meaning behind the words I was tossing around. What is a grudge? What is forgiveness really? What does the Bible have to say about self-defense?

My searching brought me to these five insights. Continue reading

One Word That Will Change You Forever

I’m so excited to reveal the concept and working title for my first book…

To everyone who took the time to fill out the survey a couple weeks ago…thank you!! Not only did you help solidify the direction I felt called to go, but you also provided me with much needed encouragement and confirmation that this is the book I need to write at this time. This concept of “enough” is where the story starts.

The Power of “Enough”

“Enough” has the power to change us and transform our relationships. It’s where strivings cease and peace takes over. It’s about operating out of a cycle of grace and acceptance instead of fear and performance. It’s about believing that God is enough, we are enough, and we have enough to sustain us in this messy, beautiful life.

These are some of the concepts I’ll be exploring in my book. By sharing my story with as much raw honesty and vulnerability as I can, I hope you’ll see yourself in the book and recognize that you are so not alone. We’re all moving toward the place of “enough,” and my hope is to come alongside you on your journey and offer up some of the practices and truths that have helped change the rhythm of my life.

In addition to learning to rest and release control, I’ve found that perfectionists like me need tangible, practical tools for shifting their patterns of thinking and living. That’s what I’m aiming to provide in “Enough.” I joke that this book has cost me hundreds of dollars in professional counseling. And as much as I joke about it, it’s true. I’ve learned so much through the hard work of self-discovery, re-training my mind, and introducing new practices into my daily life. And I’m so excited to share this knowledge with you.

Progress, Not Perfection

My story is not done, and I find such reassurance in that. While I’m more comfortable in my own skin than ever before, I’m glad to know that I’ll be even more at ease at 60 than I am today. When we’re in pursuit of God and allow his perfect love to come in and transform us, our thoughts and behaviors are guaranteed to change. That’s a promise you can count on.

We’re aiming for progress, not perfection.

That’s the point of “enough.” It’s enough that you’re reading this right now. It’s enough that you want to change, to release control, to recover from perfectionism. We all start somewhere – you come to the table with all your burdens and joys and the mix of your past and your present. You come with the belief that things can be different, that we can be more peaceful, that we don’t have to hustle for our self-worth, that we can slow down, and that there just might be a bigger plan that’s worth trusting.

I hope the truths, rhythms, and practices I cover in my book will help you on your journey from performance to peace and fear to faith. I hope you come to believe what I know is true: “you are enough.” Let’s keep figuring out this beautiful, messy life together. I’m so glad you’re here.

Subscribe here for sneak peeks and insider updates I only share over email.

Things Fall Apart…And We All Fall Down

“Bang!” The thud of something crashing to the floor startled me out of my evening sleepiness as I walked to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water.

I checked my room for anything that might have broken. Everything appeared to be in tact.

I opened my closet door to see if my suitcase might have fallen down from its precarious perch on my over-stuffed shelves. Nope, still there.

Checking off the boxes of possible problems in my room, I moved on to checking on the status of my roommate’s room. Katie was out-of-town, so there was no need to knock, but I still opened the door quietly and slowly, just enough to peek my head in.

Immediately, the intense heat emanating from her room struck me. The space smelled strongly of burning plastic, and I quickly realized she’d left her space heater on before leaving town. I rushed over to the power strip and unplugged the cord, wanting to ensure the thing was truly turned off. I didn’t trust myself enough just to press “off.” While I recognized that our house probably wasn’t in immediate danger, I still felt a huge burden lifted as I dropped the now powerless cord. Continue reading